＜父親の背中＞ Father's Footsteps
sign here if you think this is good: 天: Alright, looks fine to me ~and since there have been no complains about anything in here for a whole month, I'll just treat it as complete. 月: No complaints here, heh. 味: Everything's good IMO. 味: Another sweep and only a few discrepancies as far as I can tell. 2 down... |D Komi: Just wanted to make a note that may imply a small alteration. On the WC forum, 天 mentioned that I may had done some text alteration or I was simply following a older script. I didn't realized at the time, but I figured that this was it, as I am going again over the chapter. "ナップはそう言って、くすくすと笑った", the reason why you saw it changed on the sinario file to something else was because that sentence by itself didn't meant only "He giggles", plus, in literature it's actually a mistake to have a character talk and follow it with something as "He giggles", because it implies that the character is making a noise as it talks and that just doesn't work (Not if you want to have coherent speech, as is the case). So I felt it was important to clarify the order of actions, which came out as: "Napp says, giggling afterwards.". If you feel it should be expressed in some other way, suggest, but I insist that such can and should be clear. 天: I see, so that's why. But are you really sure about this? I was under the impression that what you described only applies if you write it as "Wordswordswords", giggles Napp. but not if you write it as "Wordswordswords". Napp giggles. I thought if you write it this way it's clear that what's said happens in a chronological order "speak -> then giggle", tho I might as well be mistaken here. Komi: That would be correct, but the thing is though, the second case is not exactly what's happening here. Usually that (Your second example) is used with a larger time gap, as if, the character spoke and then in a completely detached way to whatever he said he actually giggled or laughed (Kind of what you'd use to say that he was giggling -before- doing something else). That's why you don't use a period to separate the two things. You have to remember that even though the display is a bit different, the writer was still part having his mind in a book-like writing style, however, he was spared of using more frequently certain "moot" (for this case) things like Beats, that is, stuff like "Napp said, etc.", because every character speech is accompanied with a little tag with their name, but there are still points where it is obvious he seizes the character speech to focus in the action that comes along right after it. (Mental note: Even though I won't be able to read it, I need to look into a japanese book to try and assess some of the styling used in traditional novels.) 天: Actually he does write stuff like "Said Napp/Rick/etc." and separates them with a period from the previous direct speech. It's just that I cut that stuff out most of the time since we got those name tags ^^". Ah well, like I said I don't really know English well enough to argue about this. If you think its right then it's ok to me. Upon giving it a second thought I also think it's due to the sloppy syntax in English that "Says Napp" and "Napp says" don't differ enough to make it clear :P Komi: Well, in the end, regardless of how we may come to see this, the reason of why I made the alteration was because the original sentence on that point said more than "He giggles", so I assumed the writer was taking this in a not too different way than westerners do and I completed the sentence to go along with what we use (and was written there anyway). Hence why I assumed that in this case it was like if it was a comma connecting the direct speech and the description (Since nor commas or periods are used here to finish the speeches, one is left to guess in a way). PS: You mentioned that he "does write stuff like 'Said Napp/Rick/etc.' and separates them with a period from the previous direct speech". Like I said, it's not that that can't take place, it's just that that would carry a different meaning to things, but, could you give an example where this is taking place while at it. 天: In the very sentence we're talking about ^^""""" ナップはそう言って、くすくすと笑った literally means "Napp says that and giggles." But I think this is really just a Japanese thing due to there grammar writing it as "Then he giggles." in English should be better. Komi: Ok, guess that means I should take every speech sentence ending with a period, should there not be a exclamation mark, question mark or ellipsis; my error there (I imagined that the dialog here between characters being so direct could be using some exception in the way it was written, thus commas never being used). As to the grammar thing though, in an english novel, you'd probably not see one line with the speech and then another with the short action (the giggles), at least, not since the giggles came out as a reason of what the character said, glancing at a few texts though, seems this is the tendency of how it's done in japanese though. The common works, the whole line would come out as: "Because you said you let the big one free," Napp says that and gigles. Given that there's the tag with the name though, instead of Napp placing He works just as well, but I still think that otherwise the more complete translation of that phrase should be used rather than just "He giggles." (That's about the whole thing I wanted to debate anyway ^-^;; ) Text <父親の背中> 【ナップ】「やぁ、兄さん、お帰り」 【リック】「ただいま。何もなかったか？」 【ナップ】「いつもと変わらないよ」 【リック】「そうか。じゃ、すぐ飯を作るから　待っててくれ」 弟のナップは軽く頷くと、読みかけていた本に視線を戻した。 Napp: "Hey, welcome back big brother." Rick: "I'm home. Anything happened?" Napp: "Nah, all the same." Rick: "I see. Alright, just wait a minute, I'll start making dinner right away." My little brother Napp nods lightly and continues to read his book. ナップは病気だ。子供の頃に病気を患ってからは、ほとんど家の外に出られなくなってしまった。 心臓の病気らしく、おとなしくしていればまったく問題はないのだが、それでも大半はベッドの中で過ごさなければならず、その姿は見ていていたたまれない。 Napp is suffering from an illness. Because he has been ill ever since he was a child, he never got out of the house much. It's like he has a weak heart, and as long as he lies down there really is no problem at all, but having to spend most of the time laying in bed, I really can't take seeing him like this. たっぷりとミルクを入れた熱い卵スープと捕ったばかりの魚の腹に香草を詰めた塩焼きそれとナッツのパンがその日の夕飯だった。 ナップも俺もミルク入り卵スープが大好きで鍋一杯に作ったのに、綺麗になくなってしまった。 少し休んだ後、ナップは部屋に戻り、せっかくだから、俺もナップのところで話でもすることにした。 Today's dinner is a hot egg soup with lots of milk in it, salt-fried fish stuffed with aromatic herbs, and nuts bread. Since we both love egg soup with milk we share a pot of it and end up making quite a mess. After resting a bit Napp returns to his room, and I think: why not tag along to chat with him for a while? "Nuts bread" is just bugging me for some reason... mixed nuts bread maybe? 【リック】「最後に逃した魚は、多分今日の中では　一番大きかったな」 俺はそう言って、両の手の人差し指で明らかに逃がした魚より大きな幅をとって見せた。 【ナップ】「ははは、その魚はきっと今日の夕飯の　魚と同じくらいの大きさでしょ？　兄さんは大げさなんだから」 【リック】「なんだよー、見たことないくせに」 【ナップ】「逃がした魚は大きいって　いうからね」 ナップはそう言って、くすくすと笑った。 Rick: "You know, the last fish that I let free was the biggest I caught today." While saying that I point out with both of my index fingers how big that fish was. Napp: "Hahaha, wasn't it more like the size of the ones we had for dinner? You're exaggerating big brother." Rick: "Come on, how could you know without seeing?" Napp: "Because you said you let the big one free." He giggles. 【リック】「この前、父さんの研究所から、　新しい研究誌が見つかったのって、　もう話したっけ？」 【ナップ】「まだ聞いてないけど、そのことに　関してはあまり興味はないよ」 【リック】「また、そんなこと言って」 【ナップ】「兄さんこそ、未だにそんなことばかり　言ってて、くだらないよ」 【リック】「そうか？　ナップは気にならないのか？　あの雲の向こうに新しい世界が　あるんだぜ？」 【ナップ】「雲の向こうに行きたいなんて、　卑しい考え方だよ。　空は、僕らが侵しちゃいけないんだ」 Rick: "Earlier I found a new document in dad's study, did I tell you about that?" Napp: "I don't think you have, but I'm not really interested in that anyway." Rick: "Always the same old story." Napp: "That's my line big brother, you are the one that talks about nothing but that silly stuff." Rick: "Is that so? Are you really not interested in that? Whether there's a new world beyond those clouds?" Napp: "Wanting to go beyond the clouds is already a disgraceful thought! What right do we have to intrude into the sky?" 【リック】「そんなの、昔の坊さんが言ってるだけさ。　もっと科学的な目で見なきゃ」 【ナップ】「それだけじゃないよ。　父さんが、外世界に行ったばかりに　母さんは苦労ばかりしてたじゃないか」 【リック】「でも、父さんは飛行機を飛ばして、　雲の向こうに行ったんだ。　スゴイ事じゃないか」 Rick: "That's just what that monk used to tell us long ago. You have to see that with the eyes of a scientist." Napp: "That's not the only reason! Wasn't it because dad went to the other world that mom has had such a hard time?" Rick: "But, dad flew with an airplane, beyond the clouds. That's amazing, isn't it?" 【ナップ】「兄さんはそればかりだ。　ボクは父さんを許せない。 スゴイのは認めるよ。　けれど、父さんのおかげで母さんは　死んでしまったじゃないか。 ボクも兄さんも父さんがいなくなった　所為で苦労してるはずだよ？」 【リック】「確かにそうかもしれないけどさ」 【ナップ】「ボクは父さんを許すことはできないよ。　それに、飛行機造りは法王庁で　禁じられてるじゃないか。 父さんは、うまく外に行けたかも　知れないけれど、兄さんも同じように　うまく行けるとは限らないんだよ。 逮捕されて、処分されてしまう　ってこともあり得るんだから」 Napp: "That's all you see in him big brother! I will never forgive him. I know what he did was amazing. But, wasn't it his fault that our mother died? Was it not father's fault that we had to suffer that much?" Rick: "That may be true, but-" Napp: "I cannot forgive him! And also, aren't aircraft banned by the Holy Order? We don't even know if he made it over to the other side safely, and it's the same with you, you too can't say for sure if you can make it there. It's just as possible that you'll be arrested and punished." 【リック】「ははは、ナップは大げさだな」 【ナップ】「大げさな話じゃないよ。　ボクは、兄さんを心配して・・・」 【リック】「わかったわかった。　けど、俺の夢は変わらない。　俺は父さんみたいに、外世界に　旅立つんだ」 【ナップ】「何度、このやりとりをしたか・・・」 Rick: "Hahaha, now you're the one that's exaggerating, Napp." Napp: "No I'm not! I'm worried about you brother..." Rick: "I know, I know. Still, my dream remains unchanged. I will travel to the outside world, just like our father." Napp: "I wonder how often we've fought about this..." 【リック】「まあ、そう言うなって。　今年は、ライズストームが来る年なんだ。　チャンスなんだ」 【ナップ】「そうだとしてもね、・・・・・・。　いや、やめよう。今さら、兄さんに言っても　どうせ聞きゃしないんだから」 ナップは言いかけたことをやめて、くすくすと笑っていた。 Rick: "Well, by the way, this year is the year of the Stormrise. That will be my chance." Napp: "That's right, but still...... No, enough of that. Now that you've come this far, there's no way you'd listen to me, right big brother?" He giggles after saying that. 【リック】「じゃ、俺はそろそろミルクでも飲んで　寝るよ」 【ナップ】「うん、おやすみ」 【リック】「あまり、遅くまで本を読まないようにな」 【ナップ】「わかってるよ」 俺は、ナップの部屋を出た後、リビングで熱いミルクにシナモンシラップを垂らしたのを飲んで、自室のベッドに潜った。 毛布の中でもぞもぞとしながら、なんとなくいい夢が見られそうな気がして、にへらと笑った。 Rick: "Well, I'll finish my milk then and go to bed." Napp:"Uh huh, good night." Rick: "It's late so don't keep reading those books for too long, ok?" Napp: "Sure thing." After I leave Napp's room, I go to the living room to pour some cinnamon syrup into my hot milk, then I gulp it down, go back to my room and dive into bed. As I curl up under the blanket, for some reason I'm getting the feeling that I will have a good dream tonight. I smirk and laugh. Still have to read over it once again tomorrow. But there shouldn't be any big mistakes in there I hope ^^"Fixed two minor things I saw, (aircraft is both singular and plural, doesn't need an s; fixed tense so its consistent) but this looks pretty good to me.